Do I Belong Here? (Reflections of a Third Generation Asian American)

Years, from now, for many, this summer will be remembered as “The Summer of Ferguson.” I write and consult about the issues of race, and so I’ve paid close attention to the news and what’s been written about Ferguson. Partly, I’m trying to see what Ferguson and the death of Michael Brown and the furor around it tells me about the current state of race relations in America.

Beyond that, my own awakening to my ethnic and racial identity as an Asian American in part came about due to my reading of black and African American writers and thinkers. And so, reading the commentary on Ferguson by African American writers, I find myself trying to understand not just their perspective as African Americans, but also what their perspective tells me about my identity as an Asian American.

A few weeks ago, I came across this passage in Jelani Cobb’s article on the New Yorker website, “Between the World & Ferguson”:

“Linda Chavez wondered on Fox News whether “the ‘unarmed teen’ mantra” really fit Brown, who was six feet four and nearly three hundred pounds and had been caught on video shoplifting—and, it perhaps bears repeating, was a teen, and was unarmed. Chavez was roundly criticized, but she was really only guilty of saying aloud what many others have thought. Whatever happened or did not happen between Michael Brown and Darren Wilson on a winding side street, in the middle of the afternoon, in a non-descript outpost on the edge of a midsized city, whatever we imagine we know of the teen-ager, the salient fact is that he did not live long enough to cultivate his own answers.

I spent eight days in Ferguson, and in that time I developed a kind of between-the-world-and-Ferguson view of the events surrounding Brown’s death. I was once a linebacker-sized eighteen-year-old, too. What I knew then, what black people have been required to know, is that there are few things more dangerous than the perception that one is a danger. I’m embarrassed to recall that my adolescent love of words doubled as a strategy to assuage those fears; it was both a pitiable desire for acceptance and a practical necessity for survival.  I know, to this day, the element of inadvertent intimidation that colors the most innocuous interactions, particularly with white people. There are protocols for this. I sometimes let slip that I’m a professor or that I’m scarcely even familiar with the rules of football, minor biographical facts that stand in for a broader, unspoken statement of reassurance: there is no danger here. And the result is civil small talk and feeble smiles and a sense of having compromised. Other times, in an elevator or crossing a darkened parking lot, when I am six feet away but the world remains between us, I remain silent and simply let whatever miasma of stereotype or fear might be there fill the void.

Fuck you, I think. If I don’t get to feel safe here, why should you?”

What Jelani Cobb explores are the various situations where he as a black man has to maneuver through the racial stereotypes and prejudices of America. In so many ways, he’s far more consciously aware of those stereotypes and prejudices than the whites whose fears and terrors he must try to disarm in order to go about his day-to-day existence in this society. Cobb is aware that if he moves the wrong way or says the wrong thing—or even if he does nothing—there is a chance that alarms might sound, and when those alarms sound, they may take the form of a white person looking away or stepping aside or they may take more dangerous, even life threatening, forms–as this summer of Ferguson has made so readily apparent.

Many Asian Americans who grow up working class and in urban areas have experienced treatment by the police similar to the experiences of African Americans. They know what it’s like to be racially profiled, whether on the streets or in shopping malls or clubs, to be seen as criminals or thugs, threatening, dangerous. In certain neighborhoods in the Twin Cities where I live, that is the experience of many young Asian Americans, including my son.

Still racial profiling by the police is not something I grew up with. I am a third generation Japanese American from the Chicago suburbs. Growing up, I was constantly trying to fit into the white Jewish suburban world around me, and the messages I received there can be summed up in a single phrase–“You don’t belong here.”

That phrase is something I share with all Asian Americans, no matter where we grow up or what our class background is.

For me, this phrase has been expressed many different ways: “You’re not an American.” “You’re not white or Jewish.” “You’re not part of our community.” “You’re strange, foreign.” “You look funny.” “You look like the enemy in films about World War II, the Korean War, the war in Vietnam.” “You’re not a potential romantic or sexual partner, not someone I would ever think of dating, much less marrying.” “You speak English well—for an immigrant, for someone who wasn’t born here.” “You’re not athletic.” “You must eat funny food at home, things real Americans don’t eat.” “You don’t know anything about American culture.” “You know kung-fu.” “You know about samurai and the yakuza.” “You know all about ancient Asian culture.” “Your sister must be hot.” “You’re sexist.” “You’re not a leader.” “You’re a nerd, quiet, socially awkward, bumbling.” “You’re a joke, easy to make fun of.” “You’re stealing our auto industry, you’re stealing our country.” “You’re sneaky, inscrutable, you can’t be trusted.” “You are some other Asian I know.” “You all look alike.” “How can you see out of your eyes?” “You can never be President, a lead actor, a rock and roll singer, a country western singer, an R&B singer, head of an American corporation, a real American writer, a Minnesota writer, and any other number of other occupations.” “You’re a cook or an engineer or scientist.” “You can’t be from Minnesota.”

All of which could be summed up in the response, “What the hell are you doing here?”

In Jelani Cobb’s depiction of what it is like to live in America as a black man who is constantly perceived as a danger and a threat, he goes over the various ways he tries to defuse or counter that image. And he describes how, as he makes his way through this impossible disarming of suspicion, he feels humiliated, compromised, as if he is giving up something of himself, even perhaps something of his soul.

My situation is not that of a large black man who is perceived as a danger, a threat. Instead, the hurdle I face is that I am a perpetual outsider. I may or may not be perceived as dangerous, but over and over, daily, I am told: “You don’t belong here.”

To choose one of many examples: I golf, and on the golf course I am constantly meeting strangers. Almost immediately I will be constantly asked by white strangers where am I from, or, as one middle-aged white man from South Minneapolis, put it last week, “What nationality are you?”

“What nationality are you?” I asked.

He looked surprised. “Well, I’m Irish-German. But you know what I mean.”

Of course I knew what he meant.

And so here I went into my prepared statement, “My grandparents came from Japan in 1905.”

Why do I say this particular phrase? Although I doubt this gentlemen perceived all I intended in this phrase, here’s what it means: It was my grandparents who came from Japan and thus, are Japanese. My parents were born in America, so they were American citizens.

Of course my parents were imprisoned at the ages of 11 and 15 in World War II because all Japanese Americans living on the West Coast were perceived as a military threat. My parents’ being American citizens did not prevent them from having the writ of habeus corpus suspended and their right to a trial denied. But I don’t necessarily expect my white interlocutors to be aware of this.

At any rate, I also usually add to inquiries about where I’m from, “I didn’t grow up speaking any Japanese or knowing much about Japanese culture.” Meaning: “I am two generations removed from Japan. I was born here. I’m an American. That’s my nationality.”

When I was younger I wore my ignorance of Japanese and Japanese culture as a badge; I thought it made me an American.

I don’t feel that way now. Now I regret not having learned Japanese or about Japanese culture.

At the same time, though, I do realize that any evidence of my speaking Japanese or knowing Japanese culture makes me not an American; instead it becomes further evidence that I’m not from here. And I know, in many ways, I will never be from here, even though my family has lived here in America for over a century. My face tells a different story, and nothing I can do can stop that narrative and all that comes with it.

But I try, I try. Consciously, unconsciously. On the golf course, I’ll start talking about the merits of the Vikings quarterbacks, the veteran Matt Cassell, Teddy Bridgewater the rookie, the disaster of Christian Ponder. Because if I can show I know the intricate details of the Viking quarterback controversies, I’ll prove that I really do know something about American culture, that I’m not a recent immigrant. That will prove I’m an okay guy.

In doing this, I don’t consciously question the logic behind my actions. That is, why would my status be worse if I were a recent immigrant? Is that devaluation in the head of the white people I meet? Or is it my head? Or both?

But in defense of myself, part of me just wants to convey who I am, who exactly I am. Because I actually like football and do know about the Vikings quarterbacks. Because I am a third generation American. But of course there’s more to it than that. I want to be seen for whom I am, who I actually am. I want to be seen without the scrim of stereotypes and prejudices that keep white Americans and even other Americans of color from seeing who I am, seeing my particularity, my individual history. Indeed, that’s why I’ve written and published two memoirs, one novel, four books of poetry and one book of literary criticism, four plays and dozens of essays. I want to articulate who I am, who my family is, who Japanese Americans are, our history, our community.

And like Jelani Cobb, my relationship to language is also connected to the stereotypes and prejudices around me. When I was younger, my mother often complained that I talked like a jock, and cited the way I sprinkled the phrase “you know” over and over in my speech. For me, as a teenager, talking like a jock was a way of throwing off the role of foreigner, immigrant, someone who wasn’t born here and didn’t belong.

And yet, now that I no longer speak like a jock, I also know that resorting to the talk of a jock is a way to put white people I meet at ease. And at times, what I’m trying to make safe is not just my body, but also my intelligence and the way it is associated with my body and the stereotypes it invokes.

For in certain situations, I know the more articulate and learned I appear—that if I actually let loose at full throttle my intellect and learning—the more I run the risk of being perceived as a threat because of my Asian-looking face and body. I have to pick and choose when I let my intelligence and learning show and to what degree. Because in certain situations where a white writer or intellectual would be met with respect and admiration for their intellect and learning, my intellect and learning can, in an instance, become perceived as uppity, arrogant, showing off. And if that happens, the foreignness that is my face, my body, can then be turned into that of the outsider, the inscrutable threat, the one who wants to take something from white America. Just as, whenever America’s relationship to countries in Asia takes a turn for the worse, Asian Americans can feel the shadow of that worsening falling inevitably upon us.

If our situation as Asian Americans is, in various ways, different from that African Americans, we are both dealing with the stereotypes and prejudices that surround us and affect our interactions with American society. We want to belong, to have our place at the table. But we move, as Jelani Cobb and other Africans, between masks and scrims that are placed upon us, that keep others from seeing who we actually are. And we know we must, in order to succeed in this society, maneuver and navigate around and through these masks and scrims which, no matter how hard we work, how talented we are, never quite leave us.

This is not to say that we as Asian Americans cannot succeed. We do. We work hard. We try to get along. We try to bring our talents to the table. But we also know that our hard work and our talents in some instances will not be easily recognized. And we know in other instances our hard work and talents may be perceived as threats.

How we as Asian Americans deal with all this is individual and various. There are many strategies, many ways of owning who we are, of recognizing the racism that exists in the society around us.

So what exactly am I saying here? First, I’m saying that the experiences and culture of African Americans can be useful for us as Asian Americans in our understanding of who we are and our place in America. This runs against a certain tendency in the Asian American community to distance ourselves from the African American community. It runs against the ways many whites picture us as the “model minority” who are quiet, study hard, and don’t make waves, so that we become a tool with which to bludgeon and chastise those black people who, in the white gaze, are perceived as angry and dangerous and uneducated.

Second, I’m saying that we Asian Americans do face racism, do face stereotypes and prejudices, and that this has an effect on our psyches, on the ways we articulate our identities, and on the ways we make our way through American society. And I’m suggesting that it’s better to be consciously aware of both racism and its effects upon us than to go around in denial.

Third, I’m suggesting that the effects of race upon Asian Americans involves the subtle and sometimes almost imperceptible ways we adjust to the way we’re perceived by the white mainstream. Yes, there are large historical and political issues such as the internment camps or the Asian Exclusion laws or events like Vincent Chin or the Minneapolis police shooting of the unarmed Fong Lee or the Hmong hunter Chai Vang who got into a confrontation with white hunters in Wisconsin and shot and killed several people.   Such events and issues galvanize the perceptions of and reactions to our communities. Then too there are the even more systemic issues such as the achievement gaps or poverty that certain portions of our community suffer from. But there are also the ways we as individuals are constantly dealing with and battling with a portion of the American society and psyche that still says, “You don’t belong here. You’re not wanted. You are perpetually foreign. This country will never be your home.”

Finally, I’m not saying we cannot overcome these forces raised against us. But our ability to overcome these forces will be severely hampered if we don’t recognize them. As James Baldwin, the great African American writer, wrote: “Not everything that is faced can be changed; but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

“Make It New”: Creativity and the Workshop Model

The following is a familiar scenario to most writing teachers: Each time a student brings work to the class, the poems are all similar and share the same faults. When the student is confronted with these faults, whether, say, an overuse of generalizations or sentimental language or obscurity, the student clearly balks at the criticism. He may respond, “This is my style of writing” or “This is the type of poem I want to write” or “X read this and said it was wonderful” or “If I revise this I’ll lose the original impulse for the poem, my true feelings” (or any other number of defensive remarks). An argument may ensue where the teacher tries to bring to bear his or her superior knowledge of the craft and tradition and articulate more clearly the failures of the poem.

All the while, in this dialogue, the student either grows more defiant or sinks in a morass of emotions–self-pity, embarrassment, anger and resentment, self-loathing, feelings of failure. Whatever happens, it’s clear the student does not want to revise the poem to any great extent. And the question of whether or not the student knows how to do this is moot. The desire is not there, so what good is any exposition on technique going to do?

What is the primary source of this impasse?   Is it merely a lack of knowledge or learning or experience, all of which the teacher possesses to a greater extent than the student?

I would say No, the primary source of this impasse is psychological. And this impasse, I believe, stems from a faulty understanding of creativity and the writing process. One way to understand this impasse is to imagine what is going on in the head of the student: If this piece of writing is not working, then that means I may be—or am surely—a failure as a writer. I have no potential. I will not succeed.

A different approach: This poem may not work. It’s an experiment. I am one step closer to the answer. I am just starting to discover my potential as a writer. This discovering is a process, whose end neither I, nor my teacher, can predict. What I do have control of is this: I can learn to write differently and in new ways. I can experiment more. I can learn new techniques. I can continue on with the process.

 

The structure of the workshop model tends to encourage an approach to writing that stresses performance and product. The student often feels as if the presentation of her work to the class is a performance. She is producing a product that will be judged by her peers, and she wants that judgment always to be positive. This dynamic is increased in a writing class or MFA program where students feel especially competitive with each other.

Given this dynamic, the student will feel pressured to present only that work which she is comfortable with and which she feels will be regarded as successful. She will be less inclined to experiment, to try something new, to present work she is unsure of. She will be more afraid of failing or appearing foolish. She will stay with the tried and true.

Such a dynamic is not an atmosphere that fosters creative growth. The best businesses—especially tech businesses—understand this. But I wonder how many writing workshops are conducted with such an understanding.

 

While writing workshops can teach students important critical skills, what the workshops often fail to deal with is the nature of the creative process. In my teaching, I start with certain basic premises about creativity:

1) The unconscious is always more creative and complex than the conscious mind.

2) Techniques serve to occupy the conscious mind so that the unconscious mind can be left free to create and bubble up to the surface.   Thus, though techniques call attention to formal elements, their ultimate purpose is to provide access to the unconscious mind. They do this in part by enabling creative “accidents”.

In this way we should not look at techniques as intimidating benchmarks or standards, but as tools to help us in the creative process.

3) Writing is like a chess game between the conscious and the unconscious mind. The conscious mind makes the first move, and the unconscious mind responds. Beginning writers are often more attached to the first move of the conscious mind. They often don’t see–or refuse to acknowledge–where the unconscious mind is leading. They want to cheat, to have the conscious mind control the whole process. The reasons for this are often psychological. In part, the beginning writer is afraid of what the unconscious mind is revealing.

4) Creative writing is the search for and creation of a language to express what the unconscious knows but does not have the language to express.

 

The student who does the same poem or story over and over believes he has only one voice. That, the student says, is my true voice. That is me. In this way, the student underestimates his own complexity.

Beyond this, partly as a result of the critiques they receive in the workshop model, beginning writers will focus on micro issues in their revising—changing a word or a sentence structure, line by line attention. They often avoid trying to radically rethink or re-conceive their work, to find a totally different approach or voice, to take the whole thing apart and try again.

But in our writing, breakthroughs often come less from small revisions or critical evaluations than from the discovery of a new voice; this voice is one that was previously repressed, often for various psychological reasons. At times this discovery may come through switching to a new form and even a new genre.

I’m a firm believer in Jungian psychology as useful model for the creative writer, the view that our psyches through the lens of polytheism rather than monotheism. Viewing the psyche as a multiplicity is far more useful than viewing it as a unity or even a Freudian division of superego, ego and id. Such a Jungian approach recognizes that we all contain a multiplicity of voices inside our heads, a pantheon of inner gods. Whatever religion we may profess, our creative impulses are polytheistic and poly-vocal (and thus, also multicultural).   Rather doing the same thing over and over, creativity comes, in part, from unleashing these different voices, from diverse approaches.

As I’ve said before here, many gods, many voices.

Portrait of the Young Artist as Failure–or, What Is Wrong with the Workshop Model

I was twenty-seven, in my fifth year of study in an English Ph.D. program, when the director of the program called me into his office.

At the time I had taken a few creative writing classes and written a handful of poems, three or four of which had been published in minor literary magazines. Recently I had been one of two student readers fronting for a featured local poet at an on-campus reading series. The featured poet was my age and had published over four hundred poems. I had no idea how he had managed to do this—either his prolific output of poems or his massive publications. Most of my poems were short surrealist lyrics, much in vogue at the time. Except for a poem about my grandfather’s tiepin, a gift handed down to me by my father, I had not written anything concerning my identity as a Japanese American or the history of my community and my family. At the time I feared such subjects might mark me as a minority writer, would relegate me to a second-class literary status.

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But it wasn’t my meager poetic output for which the head of the English grad program was calling me into his office. It was my scholarly output, which was even more meager. I had by that time racked up incompletes in seven courses. Though I had first drafts of the papers for these courses, I seemed unable to finish them.

I can still remember the face of the director, a balding middle-aged Bellow scholar with black thick lensed glasses. He was wearing a plaid shirt; his corduroy sports coat with leather patched sleeves was draped over the back of his chair. Around us rose shelves of books. Examples of what I myself would never write.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to suspend your teaching assistantship,” he said. “Take the next year off and see if you can finish some of your incompletes.”

I left the office devastated and in despair. How would I support myself without my assistantship? Where would I find time to finish the incompletes? I couldn’t even finish them when I had financial support.

When I entered graduate school I had thought that I would one day become a poet-scholar, teaching at a college campus, like a couple of my professors in undergraduate school. Clearly though I was not going to become either a poet or a scholar. My career had ended even before it began.

 

I’m in the process of writing a book on creative writing.   The principles invoked in the pages of this book come out of my own journey as a writer. I am a poet, a fiction writer, a creative nonfiction writer and memoirist, a playwright and performance artist; the writings here—spanning thirty years–reflect what I’ve learned as a practitioner and teacher of these different genres.

Though I write now in various forms, my start as a writer, as seen in my opening here, was hardly propitious. Like many beginning writers, I suffered early on from a massive writer’s block. It was in solving that block that I came to understand certain crucial aspects of the writing process.

Much of what I learned derived from asking a simple question: What does it mean to be creative?   This seems, in retrospect, an obvious and fundamental question. Yet it was a question absent from my early literary training.

All across the country, over the past few decades, hundreds of writing workshops have sprung up–at universities and colleges, in high schools, at community centers, at arts organization.   In them, the students learn many things, but often the main thing that is stressed is the development of a critical mind, the ability to criticize your own work and the work of others. The student is taught how to tell a good poem from a bad poem, to articulate why a story doesn’t work, to recognize when a character is underdeveloped or the plot of your novel doesn’t click.

As a result of this focus on the critical function, most workshops are designed along the following model: A student hands out a small sample of their writing to the members of the workshop; a week or so later, they proceed to tell the student what is good and bad about her piece. The question of what the student is to do next with her writing—the process of new creation and revision—is then left up to the student.

Given this model, what many workshops teach are critical, not creative, skills.

 

Occasionally, besides the critiques of student work, the teacher will bring in examples of work she finds to be excellent, and students are taught standards—that is, the tradition, who the great writers are–and through this study, presumably, they will learn how to write like these writers. The student learns to be serious with her own work, to measure it against the great works of the past; she understands that the tradition and the standards she has learned place demands on her, and those demands are to be honored.

But when the student sits down at her paper or at her computer screen, when she faces the blank page, all those great writers, all that tradition, all the critical skills she has learned, become a weight upon her shoulders, a tourniquet upon her psyche, a gag for her mouth. Nothing she has to say, nothing she will write, will live up to those standards. And often, not surprisingly, she finds that the most difficult part of her task is simply sitting down to write and continuing to write on a regular basis.

For such a writer, the workshop model has created or increased her writer’s block, not solved it.